The sport of frigid kings

We must go tobogganing. In the manner of Calvin and Hobbes.

If you grew up in a warm climate like me, you probably never got to experience the death defying thrills of winter sports. Think of it: If you can scrape together a pair of skis, minimal competence, and the willingness to launch yourself down a steep, icy slope, you can very easily plummet off a rock face to your doom or hit a tree at 50 mph and crush your skull like a grape. (I have actually hit trees while skiing, although I generally prefer to wipe out spectacularly on what I hope are not rocks and then spend the next day complaining that my back is sore.)

No other sporting pursuit will allow you the opportunity to inflict so much grievous bodily harm upon yourself. Even Nascar has airbags.

Nevertheless, you would expect tobogganing to be relatively harmless, as it is intended mostly for children and the infirm. Oh no. In the right (wrong?) hands, it turns into a high–speed pursuit.

Your basic cheap toboggan is made of thick plastic with slight intimations of runners in the bottom. It is long enough to hold most of a standard–sized adult, and contains a rope handle at the front. In spite of this it is virtually unsteerable.

The sport goes like this: Find a slope, the steeper and bumpier the better, and drag two toboggans up to the top. Bring people as well – one to three per toboggan. Line up, launch, and race to the bottom. Points can be gained for crashes, unintended jumps, skulduggery and sabotage.

After experimenting with a variety of positions, I concluded that the best way to ride is lying face–down on the toboggan, arms out on either side to facilitate impromptu turns and shove away competitors. Snowflakes and chips of ice will fly up into your face as you do so, and extraneous clothing (gloves, hats) will be cast off in your wake. You will be as likely to fly down the slope backwards as forwards, and the only way to stop is to throw yourself over the side of the toboggan.

Afterward, I recommend whisky or rum and a warm bath.